Following a series of embarrassingly backward laws recently enacted in Arizona, Texas governor Rick Perry pledged Wednesday to do everything in his power to reestablish his state as the most regressive in the nation. “I commend Arizona for its commitment to exceedingly draconian social policies, but [Arizona Governor] Jan Brewer should know that we still have some real doozies up our sleeve,” said Perry, referring to Arizona’s passage of the strictest immigration law in recent U.S. history, as well as its measures allowing concealed weapons to be carried without a permit and banning ethnic studies programs in public schools. “Don’t forget, we just put an ultraconservative stamp on our educational curriculum that’s going to affect the textbooks the whole country uses, and I’m still the only governor nutso enough to float secession. Mark my words, we’ll be back and more fucked up than ever!” Sources close to Perry said that Texas may soon start storing undocumented migrant workers in dog cages while courts decide their immigration status, though Arizona plans to counter with a giant cannon that will be used to shoot anyone with a skin tone darker than ochre who crosses the border from Mexico.

Texas Vows to Reclaim Title…

#4: 16,000 Diamondbacks Fans Killed On Complimentary Rattlesnake Night

Observers said that even prior to the initial deaths, a number of isolated incidents seemed to indicate that the night was headed for disaster. One particularly rowdy fan had to be escorted from the game after waving his rattlesnake in a female attendee’s face, and later, outfielder Gerardo Parra was poisoned and had to be carried off the field after a fan asked the hard-hitting lefty to autograph his rattlesnake.

When Diamondbacks reliever Blaine Boyer was spotted in the bullpen wildly convulsing in a writhing knot of rattlesnakes, the stadium grew quiet, save for a steady undercurrent of rattling.

Videotape of the event later showed thousands of fans toppling over and clutching their chests as the snakes’ neurotoxic venom caused massive respiratory malfunctions and heart failure. Though most of the Western diamondbacks ultimately sought refuge underneath the stadium seats, by the seventh inning half the people in the stands were dead.

16,000 Diamondbacks Fans Killed…

#3: Stay Of Execution Squandered Again

“It kinda sucks,” said Creasey, who was sentenced to death in 1995 for the murders of three Arizona State sorority girls. “When the word came down that my execution had been postponed, it seemed like I had so much time. But then, the next thing you know, two months have gone by, and you’ve only got a few days to live.”

U.S. District Judge David Oliver granted Creasey his stay on a legal technicality five days prior to the inmate’s scheduled execution date. Creasey said he neglected his unofficial plan to “pick up around his cell” and began sleeping 14 hours each day.

Stay of Execution Squandered…

#2: Jan Brewer – Not Afraid To Do What The Federal Government Won’t And Shouldn’t

Like the growing tide of up and coming conservative politicians, Brewer understands that real change—the disturbing, almost surreal kind of change that drives a wedge between Americans, increases fear and xenophobia, and makes Arizona, and by extension the nation as a whole, seem impossibly backward—has to start at home.

Jan Brewer Not Afraid….

#1 : Shooting Suspect Released After Not Breaking Any Arizona Laws

Jared Lee Loughner was released from custody this afternoon when it was determined that the suspect—accused of a shooting spree that left six dead and 14 injured, including Rep. Gabrielle Giffords—had not technically broken any Arizona state laws. “While Loughner is clearly a deranged madman who, with this heinous, tragic act, has proved to be a danger to himself and others, he has not explicitly violated any statutes currently on the books in Arizona,” Pima County Attorney Barbara LaWall said of the man whom witnesses saw murdering a 9-year-old girl and a federal judge. “We can only hope that if he acts out again, another Arizona citizen will be legally carrying a concealed firearm and be able to stop him.”

Shooting Suspect Released….

Can’t say it’s a complete surprise that their website is done in Comic-Sans. Dave and Rick’s Dog and Cat Repair.

Anyone?

At least he’s honest!

Just when you think people can’t get any dumber.


God help us.
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What should I do with my life?
TURN OFF YOUR COMPUTER AND GO OUTSIDE

I hope those aren’t all from the same person. That would make for an interesting Thanksgiving.

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Yes. Your husband is cheating on you and your dog is pregnant. Your 401k is the least of your worries.

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I am Google and I know the age of everyone using me. And height. And your weight. Anyhow – you’re fat and pregnant.

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There seems to be a deficit of resources for pregnant women. I’m getting concerned.

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Ok – exercise over. I quit

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Here’s the original site of Funny Google search suggestions.