#5: Texas Vows To Reclaim Title Of Most Regressive State From Arizona
Following a series of embarrassingly backward laws recently enacted in Arizona, Texas governor Rick Perry pledged Wednesday to do everything in his power to reestablish his state as the most regressive in the nation. “I commend Arizona for its commitment to exceedingly draconian social policies, but [Arizona Governor] Jan Brewer should know that we still have some real doozies up our sleeve,” said Perry, referring to Arizona’s passage of the strictest immigration law in recent U.S. history, as well as its measures allowing concealed weapons to be carried without a permit and banning ethnic studies programs in public schools. “Don’t forget, we just put an ultraconservative stamp on our educational curriculum that’s going to affect the textbooks the whole country uses, and I’m still the only governor nutso enough to float secession. Mark my words, we’ll be back and more fucked up than ever!” Sources close to Perry said that Texas may soon start storing undocumented migrant workers in dog cages while courts decide their immigration status, though Arizona plans to counter with a giant cannon that will be used to shoot anyone with a skin tone darker than ochre who crosses the border from Mexico.
#4: 16,000 Diamondbacks Fans Killed On Complimentary Rattlesnake Night
Observers said that even prior to the initial deaths, a number of isolated incidents seemed to indicate that the night was headed for disaster. One particularly rowdy fan had to be escorted from the game after waving his rattlesnake in a female attendee’s face, and later, outfielder Gerardo Parra was poisoned and had to be carried off the field after a fan asked the hard-hitting lefty to autograph his rattlesnake.
When Diamondbacks reliever Blaine Boyer was spotted in the bullpen wildly convulsing in a writhing knot of rattlesnakes, the stadium grew quiet, save for a steady undercurrent of rattling.
Videotape of the event later showed thousands of fans toppling over and clutching their chests as the snakes’ neurotoxic venom caused massive respiratory malfunctions and heart failure. Though most of the Western diamondbacks ultimately sought refuge underneath the stadium seats, by the seventh inning half the people in the stands were dead.
#3: Stay Of Execution Squandered Again
“It kinda sucks,” said Creasey, who was sentenced to death in 1995 for the murders of three Arizona State sorority girls. “When the word came down that my execution had been postponed, it seemed like I had so much time. But then, the next thing you know, two months have gone by, and you’ve only got a few days to live.”
U.S. District Judge David Oliver granted Creasey his stay on a legal technicality five days prior to the inmate’s scheduled execution date. Creasey said he neglected his unofficial plan to “pick up around his cell” and began sleeping 14 hours each day.
#2: Jan Brewer – Not Afraid To Do What The Federal Government Won’t And Shouldn’t
Like the growing tide of up and coming conservative politicians, Brewer understands that real changeâ€”the disturbing, almost surreal kind of change that drives a wedge between Americans, increases fear and xenophobia, and makes Arizona, and by extension the nation as a whole, seem impossibly backwardâ€”has to start at home.
#1 : Shooting Suspect Released After Not Breaking Any Arizona Laws
Jared Lee Loughner was released from custody this afternoon when it was determined that the suspectâ€”accused of a shooting spree that left six dead and 14 injured, including Rep. Gabrielle Giffordsâ€”had not technically broken any Arizona state laws. “While Loughner is clearly a deranged madman who, with this heinous, tragic act, has proved to be a danger to himself and others, he has not explicitly violated any statutes currently on the books in Arizona,” Pima County Attorney Barbara LaWall said of the man whom witnesses saw murdering a 9-year-old girl and a federal judge. “We can only hope that if he acts out again, another Arizona citizen will be legally carrying a concealed firearm and be able to stop him.”